Welcome Back

Hello Again!!!!

I started this blog in 2010, and since then I have have been unfaithful to it.  I have neglected it, and I have pushed it to the side for other interests.  So why am I back?

I've been pushing off writing this post, but it's been something that I need to do.  So here is an update on my life and the new direction of this blog.  I will keep it short, because well...that's the new direction of the blog!

So 371 days ago I had a car accident.  It was the scariest day of my life so far, but I escaped without a scratch.  My car was not so lucky.  However, not only did the impact of the car hitting a tree jolt me in that moment, but it completely rattled my life.

Prior to the wreck, I was excited about life's possibilities.  I was on a path where I was taking control of my destiny and working towards the goals that would make me happy.  After the loss of control of my car, I found that I had control of nothing.

Before the ordeal, I was managing my hypothyroidism.  My dosages had stopped increasing, and I was finally getting to a place where I was able to sleep peacefully at night, after years of undergraduate and graduate school all-nighters. After --my heart pounded at least a few hours a night.  I felt faint, weak, and jittery.  I'd stay awake scared of dying alone in my house. By morning, my body and mind were so tired, I walked around much of the day in a mental fog. Fortunately (or I suppose, unfortunately) I'm one of those people who is able to function --even in physical exhaustion.

I stopped doing and stepped back from a lot of things: traveling, singing in the choir, writing, drawing, and painting.  I was already pretty introverted, but I started distancing myself and spent most of time (when not at work) in the place that felt safest to me --my home.

I felt useless --like I wasn't making a difference to anyone anymore. I didn't even feel valuable to myself.  Every day just became more and more foggy in my mind.  My work didn't suffer --to my knowledge.  My sarcasm didn't cease.  My skin didn't show my issues.  It was all in my head...it is all in my head.

The wreck didn't necessarily trigger any of the things I've described...it did however force me to pause and deal with them. Now more than a year later, I'm learning and hopefully helping some of you who may be dealing with something similar.

So here we go!!!

I hope you enjoy.  I hope that you are helped.  I hope that you can help.

Affectionately Written, Love DRE

An Open, Honest Review of E'Tae on 4c Hair

So I broke down and bought the products.  I wanted to see how it would work on 4c/ 4z hair (because some days I really don't know).  Unfortunately in the lovely videos I kept seeing for the product, I didn't see hair that looked like mine.  So I started to question if it even worked or if it was just the tools used.  I went into this experience as a non-believer with very low expectations.

I ordered the products: the Ultimate Bundle for $73.96+ tax. 




This package includes: the Carmel Treatment, Carmelux Shampoo, Carmelux Conditioner, and Buttershine --everything needed for straightening the hair. When they arrived, I was kind of disappointed.  Everything looked so much smaller than on the order site.  I put off using the products for a couple weeks, since we were having a lot of rain in Mississippi.  I also think I put it off wanting to avoid confirming I'd wasted my money on products that would do nothing for my hair.

Here is what my hair normally looks like after shampooing:

Cut to actually using the products:

Step 1: Carmel Deep Reconstructing Treatment

I sectioned hair in four sections,  used my water bottle to spray my hair with water until it was dripping then I applied product to each section.  Finally I twisted each section (4) total twists, and covered with plastic cap. My hair was pretty wet so I put a scarf around it to keep it from dripping. I ended up sleeping with the product in my hair.  So it was on from midnight to about 8:00 am. The next morning I washed it out in the shower. 

My reaction: Um... I guess 

I was actually kind of disappointed by the product. I guess I thought my hair would be a lot softer. But I guess it's like a pre-poo, so I talked myself into going to the next step so I could achieve the miracle results shown in the videos. 

The Good:  THE SMELL!  I loved the smell of the product. 

The Bad: IT IS STICKY! When it dries, it is like syrup on your skin. But it smells like bananas and honey. So that's to be expected. 

Step 2: Carmelux: Deep Treatment Shampoo

I followed the directions on the bottle - shampoo, massage, rinse, and repeat. As it warns on the website, the first round DID NOT result in lather.  I left the product on for 10 min during the second round.

My reaction: OK now we're doing something!!!

Let me go back: I'm a 4c natural who actually uses some shampoos with sulfates from time to time. Although they strip everything from my hair, I use them every few months to do just that -strip all the product from my hair and scalp and start over.  Unfortunately it takes a couple shampoos with non-sulfate products to stop the dryness that results.  Yes, I know it's a bad cycle, but I have to do what works for this disloyal scalp of mine. Anyway...

The Good: This product really seemed to work like a shampoo with sulfate.  It left my hair feeling product free yet moisturized.

The Bad: The smell.  I hated the smell! Hated it! However, I'm a spoiled natural who uses products that claim to have coconut and mango and all kinds of fragrances that lead me to believe they are natural and great for my hair. I sniff EVERY product I buy. EVERY SINGLE ONE. Would I have bought this product if I had smelled it prior to buying? No. 

Step 3: Carmelux Silk Protein Conditioner

I applied the conditioner and combed through. I left it on my hair uncovered an hour --much longer than I probably needed to, but I should add this was the weekend the new season of OITNB was released, so my hair had to wait til the end of the episode. Then I rinsed it out.

My reaction: Yaaaaaaaaaaaass!!

Wow! So I could feel the softness. My hair was softer--not the softest ever but definitely soft. The best part was the shine. My hair never shines after shampooing or cowashing. Even before heat, the shine was kind of amazing.

After blow drying (on medium heat), my hair felt really soft though some of the shine went away. But it came out much less puffy and straighter than EVER before after blow drying. Unfortunately my hair tangles a lot. So I'm guessing I had a lot of fairy knots   It was NOT caused by the products though. This happens every time I straighten it. 

 

...and then, yes, I trimmed it!!Or cut it.

 

Step 4:  Buttershine Moisturizer

I added a very small amount (1/4 dime size)--similar to what they show in the videos.  Then I flatironed on medium heat using only one pass. I did the "chase method" most of the process but towards the front I stopped. I didn't think I needed it. Next time I will continue using it because the front of my hair reverted first.

My reaction: Hot damn, this ish works!

My hair was straight, had movement, and shine.  Then I trimmed more...

Before curling with the flat iron, I added more buttershine--same amount as before.Now that's when the shine really appeared!!!! It looked really good!  I put it in rollers as I went since I was headed out, but still had to shower and all that jazz. I failed to take pictures...sorry, but here was the final product:

Day 2: Sunshine, blue skies, woke up, hair a mess --apparently I sweat at night.  

I also did not consider how I should manage my hair at night.  So I didn't wrap or roll it the night before.  It was still straight, but it was BONE STRAIGHT.  I went back to my old habits, and broke out the curling iron.  I curled it on low heat after applying more Buttershine.

After church I put my hair in 4 Bantu knots and finished OITNB (and napped). That night I pin-curled it in about 8 large curls, adding more Buttershine to each section. I must note my hair was still very soft and straight with very little frizz, it was also not weighed down despite the additional Buttershine I added EACH time I manipulated it.

Day 3: Sunshine...then rain, but I loved the result of the pincurls

Day 4: Sunshine but the pincurls did not work as well.  I didn't want to take a picture because I was so annoyed with my results.

Day 5: I rolled and slept in perm rods --the purple ones.  I loved the results!!!! Then it rained.  I suffered the attack of 15-20 drops. Roots broke free! 

Day 6 - Day 10: Every night I rolled and slept in perm rods.  No additional heat, but I added Buttershine before rodding each night.  It was still very bouncy and light each day.

Please note the shine on Day 10.  Here are additional pictures from the same day.  One at the beginning and one at the end. Ignore my roots.  I got rained on at least one more time between day 6 and day 10.

So by Day 10, I was over straight hair.  I didn't feel like putting rods in my hair, and I kind of missed my curls. So I pre-pooed with coconut oil overnight, and then shampooed, conditioned, and wore a puff the next day. 

I was very nervous during the pre-poo, because my curls did not return as soon as the water hit my hair as it usually does.

Next Day's Puff: No heat damage!!!

Overall I will use the products to straighten my hair again (because I paid $70) but only in the winter and after I learn what to do at night to maintain it. 

I should note, Carmel expires...so if you only straighten your hair once a year, it may be best to share in the cost. 

I don't know how the results would compare to a professional blowout, as I have not been in a salon chair since I've been natural (2012).  So it's great if you just want to do it yourself or have a friend do it for you.  Again, I'm a natural who didn't really know what to do with relaxed hair when I had it.  I don't know why I thought straightening my hair would be different. 

I did use the products again a week or so later, but then I followed up with a twist out.  My hair was just as soft as before, and I probably had the most defined twistout ever! It lasted almost a full week with no retwisting.  Though that may mean nothing to some ladies, for me, that's amazing!

 

 ...and the twistout revealed that I did, in fact, not trim my hair.  It was definitely cut!

No Prayers for Sinners

Early this morning, I was shaken out of my slumber multiple times by the sound of my phone.  I was initially able to ignore it but the alert seemed to get louder each time.  So eventually I rolled over, reached towards my nightstand, picked up my phone and read the notification.

3:26 AM - "Multiple injuries following shooting at Orlando Nightclub, Say Police"

I have become accustomed to these early morning ABC News notifications on both national and international breaking news, and my routine has been to read it and say a pray for those involved.  Yes, while I know it is sad to say it has become routine, it is the reality of the world we live in today.  I followed my routine and said a prayer for that city and those involved.  I turned over realizing that it was a possibility that some involved in the shooting may never get that luxury again. 

After going back to sleep, I awoke again a couple hours later...another breaking news alert.

5:02 AM - "Orlando police say shooter inside nightclub is dead; shooting 'is a mass casualty situation,' according to authorities"

Same routine, and back to sleep...

6:33 AM - "Multiple people dead, at least 42 injured after shooting at Orlando nightclub, police say"

6:46 AM - "UPDATE: Approximately 20 people killed in Orlando nightclub shooting; FBI investigating as 'domestic terror incident'"

Two more notifications, and I finally decided to turn on the television and see what CNN was saying.  I will admit that at this hour on a Sunday, I'm not very alert.  Even though the tv was on, I missed most of it.  However I knew lives had been lost, and worlds had been shattered.  I knew that some parents had lost their children simply because they went out to have a good time at a nightclub in Orlando.  I knew due to no fault of their own, another person/ other people had decided the value of 20 people's lives --and it was not as valuable as his or hers.

Finally I got out of bed shortly before 9 am.  I started to make breakfast --an omelet and buttered toast.  I prepared to go to church where I was sure we would pray for those involved as a congregation. As I was getting dressed, I got a feeling not to go.  I don't know why, but one thing that I have learned is to follow how I feel.  So instead I moved back to the living room and checked my phone again...

9:35 AM - " At least 50 dead in Orlando nightclub shooting, law enforcement officials say"

Fifty people? What in the world?  What kind of weapon did this guy have?  How did this happen? Why did this happen?  Did someone turn down a dance?  Was this person or people the sad, lonely people we often hear about who snap and just decided to kill those living the lives they feel they are owed? Why target a nightclub?   Who were these people?

I went to the trustworthy internet and saw that they guy had been identified, tied to terrorism, and pledged allegiance to ISIS.  I continued to read the updated online and saw this was gay club.  I then wondered if my suspicions about the congregation's activities at church were correct.  Would we have prayed for them?  Would we have discussed it all?

I went to Facebook again, as the many times I'd checked it before this time, there hadn't been much there.  No reposts, no comments, no outrage, no sadness, no prayers.  But then it happened --the person who set as a status dictating who could mourn and who could not.  In a world where unsolicited advice is as easy to find as air, I tend to take it with a grain of salt, but this person wanted to specify that if I believe homosexuality is a sin, my thoughts and prayers, were no good.  Right now they don't care whether I'm Christian or atheist. At this time, I don't think the families of those killed care about political agendas or even gun laws.  They simply want to not feel the pain they feel right now. 

I am a Christian and I do believe that, like murder, overeating, sex before marriage, and drinking to the point of  drunkeness, homosexuality is a sin.  However I also believe God values the lives of people.  By that I don't mean He doesn't care what you do. I mean he cares who you are, and not the adjectives that describe you.  Gay, straight, black, white, fat, skinny, drunk, high, sexy, ugly, tall, short, smart, funny, dim witted, strong, weak...doesn't matter.  However this is not a "convert you to Christianity" post.  Prior to 10 AM, I didn't know the club was a gay club, but I prayed for those people at least twice--because they are people.  At 6 AM I didn't know these people's sin, and as I type at 3:24 PM, I still don't.  I know they are dead because someone thought they should be and carried out action against them.

While my religion does give a lot of sins against God, it also give some instructions.  One that I have read (not heard) is to love one another as He loved us. I don't get to decide who is worth God's love.  I don't even get to decide who deserves my love.  Regardless of what I have done, He has loved me.  Why should I think He'd feel differently about someone who identifies with being gay?

 I don't get to decide who deserves a prayer, and neither do you.  It does not matter what I believe or even what you believe, as long as we believe in the value of human life. I would think that would be common ground, but it seems lines are drawn in all aspects.  You don't have to believe what I believe, but you certainly have the right to believe it. I have the right to believe that there are sins, I do not have the right kill you to stop your sins.  You have the right to disagree with my beliefs, but you don't have the right to kill me to stop my beliefs.


So I will certainly think about the victims of the Orlando night club shooting.  I will certainly pray for them and those who lost them.  Why? They were lives cut short.  They were human lives.  They were people who had families.  They had friends.  They probably had plans for later today.  They had responsibilities, obligations, interests, goals, and people who loved them.  I was commanded to love them.  And I do. 

Any Man

One day she'll tell you how heart's been broken
She'll tell you how hard she loved and how it meant nothing
She'll say she gave her all because that's what she thought "love" is
You'll be at a loss for words

One day you'll see her tears
As the salt water cleanses her eyes
Your heart will break more than you ever thought possible
You'll have no comfort

One day, when she is at her most vulnerable
When she is more sad than you've ever seen her
When she is a broken woman
When she is an empty shell of the warm angel you once knew
When she feels like she is inferior,
Lost,
Damaged,
Unwanted,
Unappreciated,
Worthless,
Lonely,
Stupid,
Gullible,
Angry,
Depressed,
Alone,
Confused
and...still longing for the arms of the source of all her hurt
You will be able to offer no solace

In your heart, you will want to tell her
But words will escape you...
Only feelings, many feelings...and memories, many memories
Memories of a woman who was just as amazing as the one who sits before you
Memories of a smiling woman who was full of love, happiness, and devotion
Who you left broken, sad, hurt
Lost,
Damaged,
Unwanted,
Unappreciated,
Worthless,
Lonely,
Stupid,
Gullible,
Angry,
Depressed,
Alone,
Confused,
and...still longing for the arms of the source of all her hurt

One day you will have no words for your tearful daughter
Because you will have used them to charm all the women you cared nothing about
You'll not be able to tell her she's special...
It will sound like what you told Cast-off #1
You'll not be able to say she'll find someone perfect for her...
That's what you told Cast-off #2
You know she's looking for someone like her father
And that scares you

You'll be unable to say she will love again
That's how you ended it with Cast-off #3
The only love you've truly known, is the love you have for her
Not even Cast-off #4 compares to the love you feel for your daughter
You know your child and you know she loves...hard
You know she loves...madly
And you know she love him deeply with everything she had...
Much like Cast-off #5 loved you

You now have nothing to give your daughter
What you gave her mother, you feel she's too good to receive...
Lies,
Empty promises,
Pain

No, she's worth more to you
She is everything to you
She is your pride and joy
At that moment, you can't believe any man could hurt her that way
You can't comprehend how someone she'd let her guard down to love could cause such hurt

How could ANY man call himself a man and break YOUR daughter's heart?
How could ANY man call himself a man and break YOUR daughter's heart?
How could ANY man break ANY daughter's heart?
Any daughter...Like Cast-offs #1-11?
Yes they were daughters
...and you were ANY man calling yourself a man
And now you have no words to comfort your daughter,
Because you've freely given all your words to any other man's daughter

But now you're watching your daughter weep over any man
You're seeing every man's daughter weep over any man
You remember all the tears you caused
It's finally real to you, and after all these years your finally understand

You offer her the arms that hugged her as a child
The heart that loved her all her life breaks knowing
You were supposed to protect her, as a man you were supposed to protect her
You were supposed to protect all of them

Sunday Morning Boost

People will dislike you even when you've been nice
People will mistreat you even when you've treated them kindly
People will take you for granted even when you've given your all
People will tear you down even if you've done all you can to build them up
People will leave you even if you've always been there for them
People will change no matter how consistent you are
People will hate you and never attempt to know you
People will target you with or without reason
People will laugh with you and at you
People will sincerely lie to you
People will love you and never show it
People will leave you heartbroken and heartless and still want a piece of your heart
People will watch you try your best then make you wonder why you try at all

The bright side of all this is:
You are not alone in your dealing with people
God has these same problems, yet He hasn't given up
Why should people, being people, cause you to fall?
After all...you are a part of "people"
Sometimes we hurt God and never even know
Sometimes we hurt Him...and say "I'm human...I make mistakes" ...so do people



I woke up with this today. I don't know for whom (other than me) it was meant

Revelation

One day she'll tell you how heart's been broken
She'll tell you how hard she loved and how it meant nothing
She'll say she gave her all because that's what she thought "love" is
You'll be at a loss for words

One day you'll see her tears
As the salt water cleanses her eyes
Your heart will break more than you ever thought possible
You'll have no comfort

ONE day, when she is at her most vulnerable
When she is more sad than you've ever seen her
When she is a broken woman
When she is an empty shell of the warm angel you once knew
When she feels like she is inferior,
Lost,
Damaged,
Unwanted,
Unappreciated,
Worthless,
Lonely,
Stupid,
Gullible,
Angry,
Depressed,
Alone,
Confused
and...still longing for the source of all the hurt
You will be able to offer no solace

In your heart, you will want to tell her
But words will escape you...

Only feelings, many feelings...and memories, many memories
Memories of a woman who was just as amazing as the one who sits before you
Memories of a smiling woman who was full of love, happiness, and devotion
Who you left broken, sad, hurt
Lost,
Damaged,
Unwanted,
Unappreciated,
Worthless,
Lonely,
Stupid,
Gullible,
Angry,
Depressed,
Alone,
Confused,
and...still longing for the source of all the hurt

One day you will have no words for your tearful daughter
Because you will have used them to charm all the women you cared nothing about
You'll not be able to tell her she's special...
It will sound like what you told Cast-off #1

You'll not be able to say she'll find someone perfect for her...
You know she's looking for someone like her father
You'll be unable to say she will love again
The only love you've truly known, is the love you have for her

You know she loved...hard
You know she loved...madly
Deeply
And with everything she had...Like Cast-off #5

You now have nothing to give your daughter
What you gave her mother, you feel she's too good to receive...
Lies, Empty promises, Pain
No, she's worth more to you

She is everything to you
She is your pride and joy
At that moment, you can't believe any man could hurt her that way
You can't comprehend how she'd let her guard down to love and be hurt

How could ANY man call himself a man and break YOUR daughter's heart?
How could ANY man call himself a man and break YOUR daughter's heart?
How could ANY man break ANY daughter's heart?
Any daughter...Like Cast-offs #7-11

Yes they were daughters...and you were ANY man calling yourself a man
And now you have no words to comfort your daughter,
Because you've freely given them to any man's daughter
So you could walk away without seeing her tears or feeling her pain

But now you're watching your daughter, any man's daughter, every man's daughter weep
It's finally real to you,
You were supposed to protect her, as a man you were supposed to protect her
...You were supposed to protect all of them

This one says it all...

I haven't written in a while. Mainly because I wrote faithfully on this blog until people started to read. At that point the things I wrote stop seeming like they were my own. Instead I started to pay attention to the way I wrote things, writing more for understanding than as an outlet.

Anyway this is not really a "blog entry" persay. Instead this is a "you need to see this" post. It says it all, therefore I need not write a thing.

For any woman or man who has ever been hurt, one day you will be able to look at that person or those people and say "Thank You"

Until next time, Readers