So I woke up this morning and for some reason I just didn't think today was going to be a good day. I woke up earlier than usual because for some reason my bed just didn't hold the comfort it usually offers me. As I got ready to do a little early morning shopping, I looked in the mirror, and contrary to the introduction of this blog, I was able to see all that is wrong with me. I didn't like my hips, my hair could be longer, I should buy some color to hide these grays. Wait aren't I too young for gray hair? My skin is not as pretty as I would like, and I could certainly stand to lose some more weight. I'm single, and I keep falling for the wrong men. I would love to talk to someone but I don't want to be a bother to anyone. I would love for someone to call, but I know when they do, they will just want something from me. I just don't have anything to give today, maybe tomorrow, but just not today. I don't have any advice, kind words, or even a joke. Today I just have imperfections and realizations that my life is not what I thought it would be by now. I look around and I see all that I don't have, and just for today, it doesn't matter that I am blessed beyond what some can testify. For today I failed to see what God has given me because my vision is clouded by what the world has taken away.
As I did my morning shopping, I thought about my father today. I wondered why I can no longer remember what a hug from him was like. I looked at his picture, and wondered why I can no longer recollect the sound of his voice. I began to wonder how my life may have been if I were still able to smell that awful cologne he used to wear. What if we had the opportunity to have just a few more years. What if God hadn't decided He needed my father more? What if I had a chance to ask him some of those questions only a father can answer? Would he have told me how to tell a good man from a bad? Would he have said just because a man sees the good in you doesn't mean he will hesitate to destroy it? Would he have said despite your imperfections, you are still 'daddy's little girl' and perfect in the sight of both me and God?"
I ended my day by looking through some old pictures. I looked back at old friends I've had, new friends I've found, how my hair has changed over the years, how my weight has changed, how my perceptions have changed, and how my spirit has changed. A few years ago I would have woken up and saw these same imperfections I saw this morning, but I would have just gotten back into bed. I would have not noticed the sun was shining because I would have just closed my eyes and hoped the mood would change with the passing hours. But today, though a bad day, I took time to wonder, to revisit, to see my growth, and to grow. Even though my perfections are all I see today, as I write (just the mention of God's name) removes my insecurities of what I am not, and leads me to see what He knows I have the potential to be.
As I'm sure, I will have more bad days, I can also be certain that good days will also make another appearance. I will just look at today as my dirt. Without it, I would have nothing to grow from to new heights. With it, I am able to add in good things to enhance my beauty as a person.
