After all this time, I woke up this morning feeling like it was enough. There had been enough wondering what I could have done differently, who I could have been, or how I could have loved. The truth was I knew what the situation was from a few weeks into it. Yet I was a woman, and kept the mentality, "If I am good to him, he will learn to be good to me." "I have done nothing but love him, why should he offer me any different?" I must admit that for months, 7 at least, I sat in a state of denial. For at least 5 months after that, each day I questioned God. Yep God. I got so bold as to question God. I wanted to know why He would even introduce me to a person who was no good for me. I wondered why He would allow me to fall for this person knowing there was no future. Even when I was sure there was no future, though my heart had not caught on, I asked God what I was supposed to learn. I truly looked up one night and questioned God on whether He understood.
Yet last Sunday as we talked about how Christ hung with two men guilty of crimes they had been accused of, yet He was innocent of all things. People mistreated Him and He was guilty of nothing, it finally hit me. It doesn't matter how good of a person you are. It doesn't matter how good of a woman I am. It doesn't matter how good of a friend I try to be. It doesn't matter if I answer the phone when you want to talk about you. It doesn't matter if when you ask me what I think, if I answer with all honesty. It doesn't matter if I love you with a passion I sometimes lack for myself. It doesn't matter if when you need me, I'm always there. It doesn't matter if I treat you with respect. It doesn't matter if I treat you as I want you to treat me. Most importantly it doesn't matter if I believe treating you right, will persuade you to treat me right. It is never enough. It will never be enough for any man. Because we have been given so much, the desire to have more will always exist.
The fact is I can't question why none of these things can be good enough for others. Because I'm honestly at a point when getting a text from a friend that simply says "What you doing?" shows that they care enough to ask. Three words (lacking a verb...LOL) mean, you crossed my mind, and rather than ask someone I see down the road about you, I want to know from you what occupies your time. You have just crossed my mind, and rather than waste an opportunity to share what might be a memorable conversation. I'm loving the fact that when I send a "Have a Good Night" it means more than I'm going to sleep, so don't call or text. It means before I go into a state as close to death as many of us truly want to go, you have crossed my mind. Wishing you well is how I would love to end my day. Having the opportunity tell you that means something. The little things are truly enough for me. I love the little things and probably look too much into them, but they are enough for me.
The little things often make my day brighter when I catch their presence. Yet as I lie awake each night, I wonder how much sweeter they could be if not dampened by equating them with something that used to be. I wonder how much better I could love myself, if I had that love for me, I had for him. Today I'm ready to find out. Today I'm finally ready to close that book. I've got so much more to write...
A cut grows deeper and deeper until you let it heal. Day 1: let the healing begin.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
Getting Comfortable
I keep wondering why I just can't sit still
I tell myself when you get the time you're gonna do this
You're gonna do that
You don't have anywhere to be, so you finally have the time to get all the stuff done, you said you would do.
But somehow I still don't find the time
My time to relax is no longer relaxing
I just can't sit still
Yet I'm not happy
I'm not fulfilled
I'm wondering what's next for my life
I'm looking but I'm not searching for more
I have plans but I feel like God's doing His work
I'm finally at a place where I'm ready and prepared to wait on Him
Yet, He keeps me on my toes
Everyday he sends me opportunities, and I'm reaching out for them.
Most days I feel like He's letting me know He is able to give me anything
But he has SOMETHING better in store
Yet I just can not for the life of me sit still...
I'm a little unsure about everything, yet I'm not stressed
I'm still working on giving it ALL over to God
Yet I've learned enough to know He already has control of it
So why can I not just enjoy where I am?
Why can't I sit still?
I just can't get comfortable...
I tell myself when you get the time you're gonna do this
You're gonna do that
You don't have anywhere to be, so you finally have the time to get all the stuff done, you said you would do.
But somehow I still don't find the time
My time to relax is no longer relaxing
I just can't sit still
Yet I'm not happy
I'm not fulfilled
I'm wondering what's next for my life
I'm looking but I'm not searching for more
I have plans but I feel like God's doing His work
I'm finally at a place where I'm ready and prepared to wait on Him
Yet, He keeps me on my toes
Everyday he sends me opportunities, and I'm reaching out for them.
Most days I feel like He's letting me know He is able to give me anything
But he has SOMETHING better in store
Yet I just can not for the life of me sit still...
I'm a little unsure about everything, yet I'm not stressed
I'm still working on giving it ALL over to God
Yet I've learned enough to know He already has control of it
So why can I not just enjoy where I am?
Why can't I sit still?
I just can't get comfortable...
Monday, August 23, 2010
Awaiting Fantasia's Interview...
My First Opinion Blog:
Okay so the Fantasia interview with E! will air tomorrow night, but before I watch the interview, I want to give my two cents. My goal is to do it in 4 points or less. Bear with me.
1. Fantasia has to be one of the most "used" celebrities we've been introduced to. In watching her show (I love reality tv it seems) we saw how many people she is now responsible for. I must say the fact that she takes it all in stride is something to admire. Then we see the stories of lawsuits of her father, and we saw her brother come and go in and out of her house because he couldn't have things his way. Either way as a family woman, I was extremely impressed with her. I gained a lot of respect for her watching her interact with her daughter and the rest of her family. For this reason when I learned of her legal issues with the wife of her boyfriend, I was a bit shocked. However the truth is Fantasia is only human.We as the public must realize celebrities are ONLY HUMAN. Humans have emotions that most of the time are extremely hard to control--be they love, hate, despair, depression, or happiness. We can all admit they are hard to get in control. And sometimes the key is NOT to get the in control but rather let them out, which brings me to my next point.
2. When one gets to the point that life is no longer worth living it's usually not just because of another person. It usually has deeper meaning than just I don't wanna deal with their mess anymore. Celebrities are often the most unhappy people on the face of the planet because not only do they have to deal with the same problems we "regular people" deal with but they have to live out their faults and insecurities publicly. It has to be a sad life. They get all these adoring fans who put them on a pedestal higher than they hold themselves, and a comparable number of naysayers waiting for their first wrong move. On top of that, they take on the primary role of bread winner, and allow too many people to depend solely on them. Some celebrities, too, must realize they are only HUMAN.
3. When a man/woman tells you they are separated from their significant other, take heed. For them to approach another person when they have unfinished business is wrong on so many levels, but that is another entry for another day. However when they approach a single person and give that information, they are giving conflicting signals. Embarking on a conquest, means there is a goal in mind. In other words, for that man or ANY PERSON, to approach another for the intention of dating gives the impression that some sort of future is a possibility. Though dating has changed over the years at my age, 23, and beyond dating someone comes with the possibility of something more--meaningful. If not then you are pretty much just "friends with benefits" and the world never hears that you even know eachother. However with the admission of being in a state of separation, he OR ANY PERSON, canceled any such future because he did not have that too offer. It was already taken by his wife, whether he lived with her or not. Yet his continuing anything with Fantasia gave her the false hope that a future could be had. Truth be told you can not plan a future with a married man. There will always be another party who has a stake in the relationship. I said all that to say this. She was not blameless but she is not solely to blame.
I should add in here that this is true for any MAN or WOMAN who knowingly goes into a situation with a married individual. It doesn't matter how famous they are: whether Angelina, Fantasia, Alicia, or Sarah from down the street.
4. Life is worth more than any circumstance and clearly God has more in store for her than what she has already done. I don't know her personally and I await the interview, as some of my thoughts may change, but for the most part I doubt they will. And for all those who say we should be praying for her instead of dwelling on what she did. I agree wholeheartedly. But there is a lesson to be learned, and sometimes God shows you through others. I too have been approached by married men. Let's face it they are about the easiest men to get these days, but they are taken, and can not offer me or anyone else any type of future. And honestly, if you want any type of real marriage, you can, in good faith break up another's without worrying if karma is real.
Okay so the Fantasia interview with E! will air tomorrow night, but before I watch the interview, I want to give my two cents. My goal is to do it in 4 points or less. Bear with me.
1. Fantasia has to be one of the most "used" celebrities we've been introduced to. In watching her show (I love reality tv it seems) we saw how many people she is now responsible for. I must say the fact that she takes it all in stride is something to admire. Then we see the stories of lawsuits of her father, and we saw her brother come and go in and out of her house because he couldn't have things his way. Either way as a family woman, I was extremely impressed with her. I gained a lot of respect for her watching her interact with her daughter and the rest of her family. For this reason when I learned of her legal issues with the wife of her boyfriend, I was a bit shocked. However the truth is Fantasia is only human.We as the public must realize celebrities are ONLY HUMAN. Humans have emotions that most of the time are extremely hard to control--be they love, hate, despair, depression, or happiness. We can all admit they are hard to get in control. And sometimes the key is NOT to get the in control but rather let them out, which brings me to my next point.
2. When one gets to the point that life is no longer worth living it's usually not just because of another person. It usually has deeper meaning than just I don't wanna deal with their mess anymore. Celebrities are often the most unhappy people on the face of the planet because not only do they have to deal with the same problems we "regular people" deal with but they have to live out their faults and insecurities publicly. It has to be a sad life. They get all these adoring fans who put them on a pedestal higher than they hold themselves, and a comparable number of naysayers waiting for their first wrong move. On top of that, they take on the primary role of bread winner, and allow too many people to depend solely on them. Some celebrities, too, must realize they are only HUMAN.
3. When a man/woman tells you they are separated from their significant other, take heed. For them to approach another person when they have unfinished business is wrong on so many levels, but that is another entry for another day. However when they approach a single person and give that information, they are giving conflicting signals. Embarking on a conquest, means there is a goal in mind. In other words, for that man or ANY PERSON, to approach another for the intention of dating gives the impression that some sort of future is a possibility. Though dating has changed over the years at my age, 23, and beyond dating someone comes with the possibility of something more--meaningful. If not then you are pretty much just "friends with benefits" and the world never hears that you even know eachother. However with the admission of being in a state of separation, he OR ANY PERSON, canceled any such future because he did not have that too offer. It was already taken by his wife, whether he lived with her or not. Yet his continuing anything with Fantasia gave her the false hope that a future could be had. Truth be told you can not plan a future with a married man. There will always be another party who has a stake in the relationship. I said all that to say this. She was not blameless but she is not solely to blame.
I should add in here that this is true for any MAN or WOMAN who knowingly goes into a situation with a married individual. It doesn't matter how famous they are: whether Angelina, Fantasia, Alicia, or Sarah from down the street.
4. Life is worth more than any circumstance and clearly God has more in store for her than what she has already done. I don't know her personally and I await the interview, as some of my thoughts may change, but for the most part I doubt they will. And for all those who say we should be praying for her instead of dwelling on what she did. I agree wholeheartedly. But there is a lesson to be learned, and sometimes God shows you through others. I too have been approached by married men. Let's face it they are about the easiest men to get these days, but they are taken, and can not offer me or anyone else any type of future. And honestly, if you want any type of real marriage, you can, in good faith break up another's without worrying if karma is real.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
He looks at Me
He stares at me and then turns his head.
It is as if his eyes no longer see what they did at one time.
It is like the sight of me causes him pain.
Much like that he caused me with a lack of reciprocity.
He walks by me and doesn't speak.
It is as if to utter words in my direction would tear him apart.
It is like talking to me would bring back some painful time in his life.
Much like it does when I hear his favorite line in a movie.
He sees me coming and goes the other way.
It is as if being near me will cause him to burst into tears.
It's like my presence will somehow ruin what he is working to build.
Much like I'm constructing a life without awkwardness and drama.
Maybe he hates the sight of me because he thinks he'll see what he did to me
Maybe he can't speak to me because he fears I will talk about it
Maybe he doesn't want to be near me because he'll see it's by no means the same as it used to be
Maybe there is a reason he pushes me out of his sight, conversation, and presence
Could be because he still has to look in the mirror
He still has to live in his own presence,
And the conversation he plays in his thoughts could never be the one we have in real life.
Could be it's easier to avoid me than himself.
He looks at me and turns his head
He walks by me and doesn't speak
He sees me coming and goes the other way
SCREW HIM!
Part 2 Coming Soon...
It is as if his eyes no longer see what they did at one time.
It is like the sight of me causes him pain.
Much like that he caused me with a lack of reciprocity.
He walks by me and doesn't speak.
It is as if to utter words in my direction would tear him apart.
It is like talking to me would bring back some painful time in his life.
Much like it does when I hear his favorite line in a movie.
He sees me coming and goes the other way.
It is as if being near me will cause him to burst into tears.
It's like my presence will somehow ruin what he is working to build.
Much like I'm constructing a life without awkwardness and drama.
Maybe he hates the sight of me because he thinks he'll see what he did to me
Maybe he can't speak to me because he fears I will talk about it
Maybe he doesn't want to be near me because he'll see it's by no means the same as it used to be
Maybe there is a reason he pushes me out of his sight, conversation, and presence
Could be because he still has to look in the mirror
He still has to live in his own presence,
And the conversation he plays in his thoughts could never be the one we have in real life.
Could be it's easier to avoid me than himself.
He looks at me and turns his head
He walks by me and doesn't speak
He sees me coming and goes the other way
SCREW HIM!
Part 2 Coming Soon...
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