After all this time, I woke up this morning feeling like it was enough. There had been enough wondering what I could have done differently, who I could have been, or how I could have loved. The truth was I knew what the situation was from a few weeks into it. Yet I was a woman, and kept the mentality, "If I am good to him, he will learn to be good to me." "I have done nothing but love him, why should he offer me any different?" I must admit that for months, 7 at least, I sat in a state of denial. For at least 5 months after that, each day I questioned God. Yep God. I got so bold as to question God. I wanted to know why He would even introduce me to a person who was no good for me. I wondered why He would allow me to fall for this person knowing there was no future. Even when I was sure there was no future, though my heart had not caught on, I asked God what I was supposed to learn. I truly looked up one night and questioned God on whether He understood.
Yet last Sunday as we talked about how Christ hung with two men guilty of crimes they had been accused of, yet He was innocent of all things. People mistreated Him and He was guilty of nothing, it finally hit me. It doesn't matter how good of a person you are. It doesn't matter how good of a woman I am. It doesn't matter how good of a friend I try to be. It doesn't matter if I answer the phone when you want to talk about you. It doesn't matter if when you ask me what I think, if I answer with all honesty. It doesn't matter if I love you with a passion I sometimes lack for myself. It doesn't matter if when you need me, I'm always there. It doesn't matter if I treat you with respect. It doesn't matter if I treat you as I want you to treat me. Most importantly it doesn't matter if I believe treating you right, will persuade you to treat me right. It is never enough. It will never be enough for any man. Because we have been given so much, the desire to have more will always exist.
The fact is I can't question why none of these things can be good enough for others. Because I'm honestly at a point when getting a text from a friend that simply says "What you doing?" shows that they care enough to ask. Three words (lacking a verb...LOL) mean, you crossed my mind, and rather than ask someone I see down the road about you, I want to know from you what occupies your time. You have just crossed my mind, and rather than waste an opportunity to share what might be a memorable conversation. I'm loving the fact that when I send a "Have a Good Night" it means more than I'm going to sleep, so don't call or text. It means before I go into a state as close to death as many of us truly want to go, you have crossed my mind. Wishing you well is how I would love to end my day. Having the opportunity tell you that means something. The little things are truly enough for me. I love the little things and probably look too much into them, but they are enough for me.
The little things often make my day brighter when I catch their presence. Yet as I lie awake each night, I wonder how much sweeter they could be if not dampened by equating them with something that used to be. I wonder how much better I could love myself, if I had that love for me, I had for him. Today I'm ready to find out. Today I'm finally ready to close that book. I've got so much more to write...
A cut grows deeper and deeper until you let it heal. Day 1: let the healing begin.
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